At this point in Mollie's life, 10 years ago, she was not doing well. We had gone from hearing before her birth that the situation was drastic and she probably wouldn't live 24 hours to 'she is doing so well we can put off the embolization for a few months, maybe even a year' back to 'there is nothing more we can do and we don't know how much time she has'.
|Just a few days later.|
I was angry, hurt, discouraged, frustrated and exhausted. It took all I had each day to go visit and say goodbye, knowing it may be the last time I saw her alive. It was a very dark time. Her dad couldn't deal with it at all. The day we visited and she almost died right in front of us was to much for him. Her levels dropped so low and even the nurse was crying as they tried to stable her. We stood there and watched, my heart breaking and everything moving in slow motion. He told me that he knew he couldn't handle watching her die before his eyes and he would not be visiting much anymore. It was a time I had to walk alone, except for the Lord who was with me at every moment.
The other day I was talking with Dan about Mollie and how I am feeling this year and this post and grief. I shared with him how I sometimes feel like I shouldn't share my story or maybe shouldn't share it so often. Maybe people are tired of hearing it after ten years. I'm one of those people who care too much about what others think of me. I have also been deeply wounded by insensitive comments in the past. I don't want impose on others. I don't want to bring people down or appear as a whiner. He reminded me of the people who have shared about how Mollie's story encouraged them and helped them. Mollie's story, and my story are not for me alone.
God has given us each a story that He wants us to share. He orchestrates our lives. He has a plan and sometimes that plan is to simply share what He has done, the good and the bad. If we only share our triumphs, we are not painting a realistic picture of God. It was also a time when I fully surrendered to God. He revealed so much to me about Himself and about myself. He continues to do so.
I have also realized that talking about Mollie and her life is healing for me. I will keep sharing about what God has done and continues to do. I will continue to reach out to those who are hurting and lost and scared. I pray that I will be an encouragement and not a stumbling block. As I remember her short life, I realize how far the Lord has brought me. He has changed me and shaped me and grown me so much in the past 10 years. Although I wouldn't chose to walk the path I have walked, I wouldn't change where I am now for anything.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4