The past month has been a blur of activity and lack of sleep. Little Miss Caitlin decided to surprise us with an early arrival, 17 days before her scheduled c-section! I was nervous and anxious to see her.
As I lay there on the operating table waiting to get a glimpse, all the feelings and memories came flooding back . Dan was a wonderful support and only he knew the anxiousness that was inside me. He asked the doctor to please hold her up as soon as she was out so that I could see her. I can't even begin to describe the emotion that ran through my heart at seeing her and hearing her cry. For some reason I didn't think I would be as emotional as I was. I didn't want to nor did I have time to explain it to the physicians who were working on me. Thankfully Dan was there to comfort and give me the look that said he understood what was going on in my heart and mind.
My mind raced back to 7 years before and I cried, the kind of cry that shakes your entire body. I wasn't able to see, touch or hear Mollie until she was 24 hours old.
There have been many tears like those first ones in the last month and I'm sure there will be many more. When I held the little outfit, bought for Mollie to come home in that she never wore, my heart was torn. I want Caitlin to wear it some day. There are times when I am suddenly caught with fear and I am compelled to check her breathing, one more time. And then the times when I start to say her name and realize I am about to call her Mollie. These are the things that cause the secret tears shed only with my husband and my Lord.
I didn't know I could feel such sorrow and joy at the same time.
Little Miss Caitlin, Mollie's baby sister. <3