February 25, 2004

Monday, March 28, 2011

The last days...

We had 12 more wonderful days with her before she died.  Her last 24 hours, I spent with her, mostly alone because Phillip was afraid to watch her die.  He didn’t think he could handle it.  As much as he didn’t want to be there, I knew I had to be there.  The nurses finally talked me into going out of the room for a few minutes and I went outside.  I told them that I was afraid if I left she would die and I wouldn’t be there.  They assured me that they would let me know.  I hadn’t been outside more than a few minutes when they called me back in.  I remember starting to slowly walk back and then I realized what I was doing and started running.  I went into the room and stood above the nurse who was holding her.  For a few minutes I began to panic and started trying to figure something out to save her.  I was frantic and began to make deals again and beg God to stop this tragedy. My brain was in overtime and then I felt the Lord give me peace again.  I sat down, took her in my arms and kissed her little head.  I rubbed her back with shaking hands and kept saying “shhh, it’s ok, mommy is here, you can go” and then she died.  I knew the second she was gone.  I held her for a few hours and waited for Phillip to show up.  He couldn't be there when she died, he knew he couldn't handle it.  After he arrived we gathered my things and were given a card, a binky and a lock of her hair.  We walked out of the hospital and went home.  It was the longest, quietest walk of my life.

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